Tag Archives: review

The Mutant Mummy Returns

The Mutant Mummy Returns
or
Welcome to Some Decade
or
‘Now We Know the Third One Is Always the Worst’ Is an Actual Line Spoken In this Film

a kindly review of X-Men: Apocalypse
by David Clemmer

In ancient Egypt, there was a vastly powerful man. At the height of his glory, in the middle of Some Magical Shit or Something™, he was betrayed and contained for centuries until awoken in the more-or-less modern age. Two hours of bad screenwriting and CGI later were wished back by thousands, and that wish was denied by a cold and empty cosmos.

my manOnly, you know, blue.

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Are We Still Friends?

Are We Still Friends?
or
Earth’s Most Numerous Instances of Things Happening™
© 2008 – 2019 Marvel Studios Inc.

or
Donut Prison Blues

a kindly review of Marvel’s Captain America: Civil War
by David Clemmer

I am, at this moment, going to tell you what happened to you. You were sitting in, like, a big room with a bunch of comfyish chairs shoveling bad food into your mouth, and you and all the other people in the big room were staring at lights organizing themselves to represent moving pictures on a big wall at the other end of the room. Before the really long moving picture, you watched a bunch of really short moving pictures that gave little exciting glimpses of long moving pictures that are coming out in the future. One of them caught your interest: Captain America and Iron Man punching each other, and oh, there is Spider Man; there he is.

You said to yourself, I am going to see this movie.

Am I creeping you out yet? That’s fine. Go to sleep.

You said that to yourself—or maybe to someone else in the big room with chairs, whether you knew them or not—because you like superhero movies. Or, specifically, the milestones of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Because, by this point, you’re aboard the Marvel train and you’re going to the end of the line with the rest of us.

Worry not, friends: Marvel didn’t start sucking, by any means. If you liked the previous Marvel movies, you shall like this one.  So, if that’s all you need, I’ll just be on my way.

Well, unless you want to hear why it’s going to go down as just another Marvel movie.

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Crimson, Blood, Death, Yeah, You Get It

Crimson, Blood, Death, Yeah, You Get It
or
Bland’s Labyrinth
or
The Screaming Skull, 1958

a kindly review of Crimson Peak
by David Clemmer

Have you ever seen The Screaming Skull? The 1958 Alex Nicol thriller? Season 9, Episode 12 of Mystery Science Theater 3000? Because if you have, even if it was with a guy and a couple robots cracking jokes at it, then you’ve essentially seen Crimson Peak.

I’m going to spoil the everloving balls off of this movie in the ensuing review, and I don’t have the technology to use spoiler boxes on WordPress. Therefore, please note that clicking the ‘Continue Reading’ thing, or reading past the third paragraph, is tantamount to clicking  a spoiler box.

Unspoiled nutshell review: If you had to choose between watching Crimson Peak, and going to a financial meeting at a company you don’t work for, consider the meeting. You could gain some insight about Verizon’s budget concerns and projected outcomes. You could gain some free crappy Safeway cupcakes. Or a stale bagel with runny cream cheese. You could be arrested for being there in the first place. Seriously, how did you get in here? Where did you get Janice’s access badge? What did you do with Janice?

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WolfCock

WolfCock
or
Boober Magazine
or
RIP, Nipples the Cat

a kindly review of WolfCop
by David Clemmer

So-bad-it’s-good movies never have resonated with me unless there was a guy sitting with his two robots at the bottom of the screen, but I’ve always wanted that resonance. I see movie posters of things so high-concept and schlocky that I want to see them, but I rarely ever do. When WolfCop popped up ‘Popular on Netflix,’ I added it to my list immediately but thought I’d never watch it.

Then, like a wolf penis growing through a human penis, the desire to watch something bad burst through my penis. Head. My head-head, not my… Where’s the RESTART button on this review?

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New Management

New Management
or
Must Go Faster
or
Avengers 3: Blast From the Past

a kindly review of Jurassic World
by David Clemmer

I’ll explain that tertiary title in a bit. It’s a little spoilery.

I say, ‘a little spoilery’ because by 2015 most moviegoers know what to expect from a Jurassic Park movie (even if they don’t watch the standard of over-expository trailers). You know that there are going to be five things: dinosaurs behaving as expected by eating goats and being animals, the management of whatever mission the characters on behaving as expected by having secret agendas and being animals, dino-fights, chase sequences, and John Williams behaving as expected and being an animal.

I’m not sure what happened at the end of that paragraph either. It’s okay. Just buckle your seatbelt, sit back, and take in the sights. (Oh god, you’re thinking, he’s doing a thing.)

Welcome…

(Please stop. No.)

…to Jurassic World.

(You had to, didn’t you.)

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Manners Maketh Man

Manners Maketh Man
or
It’s Not That Kind of Movie
or
Brad Pitt Ate My Sandwich

David Clemmer

A preface: something I just learned from reading Wikipedia. Ay kay ay: A Modest LOL

I didn’t know until tonight that Kingsman: The Secret Service was based on a comic book. Well aware though I am of the pulsing groan of a thousand snobs echoing across the nation as I typed that sentence, I care not one bit. However, I read the Wikipedia article about the comic, and learned something cute.

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