You Will Remove These Restraints and Leave This Cell with the Door Open
I Thought of ‘Up In Snoke’, Which Isn’t Really Applicable to the Tone of This Review, but Now That I Thought of ‘Up In Snoke’, I Can’t Think of Anything Else. So Consider This My Reservation to use ‘Up In Snoke’ for a Future Star Wars Movie That Actually Features Plot Points Involving Snoke
a kindly review of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
by David Clemmer
Star Wars movies go like this in release chronology: great, great, er…good, shit, fucked shit, fucked shit that’s a little darker therefore evincing possible internal bleeding. I don’t need to go into detail about any of this because you, indisputably, feel the same way, and I, arguably, would be unable to divorce myself from comparing the prequels to different bodily afflictions that use your BMs to tell you to go to the hospital.
Less-gross analogy here (arguably): Saying that something is better than the execrable prequel trilogy is like saying something that’s not a McDonald’s Fish Filet is delicious after eating nothing but McDonald’s Fish Filets for ten years. So, you can go ahead and chalk this one up to a big, long, ‘Duh.’ A dumpster fire is objectively better than Episodes I-III, to the point that not even the edited-down fan-edit can save it. Like, once you’re not eating Fish Filets and sitting criss-cross-applesauce inside an actual dumpster that is on inextinguishable fire, most things just feel better—even if it’s eating a burger from Red Robin while sitting in an air-sealed ’90 Volkswagon Jetta in 102º F weather.
Let’s move on from my analogy game altogether, shall we?
I got to be a guest on the podcast this week, so you’ll hear my thoughts alongside those of Jason and Robbie’s—which are, more or less, in confluence. Also, I’m not the first person to write about The Force Awakens on the internet.
Therefore you already know that a lot of people are saying it’s good, go see it. We all said that on the podcast, and I’m writing it now. It’s fun, it’s good, and it feels like a Star Wars movie.
After the ‘Read More’ line are a bunch of spoilers. If you’re on the actual page for the review, I’ll pad the spoiler parts by putting them after this wall of .gifs.
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