I Need to Be Drunker for This

I Need to Be Drunker for This
Just, No. Just…Just Stop

a kindly review of whatever the fuck I just watched
by David Clemmer, drunk right now

Still drunk from having to self-medicate my way through Zack Snyder’s groundbreaking vision of filling his pockets with as much of DC Comics’ money as they were willing to desperately shovel out of the cargo manifest of their rapidly sinking vessel, I am going to write a review of Batman versus I’m not finishing the title.

You know that a movie’s bad when you long for the simple and companionable days of Joel Schumacher. Which is to say, back when Jim Carrey was the most cartoonish a comic book movie villain could get.

Pictured: DC’s method of trying to be relevant (Riddler) versus the general movie-going public (security guard), and Two-Face is probably Marvel or something…? I don’t know, I just love this gif.

 Okay, so, I think it’s a general expectation that anything titled, ‘[iconic character] v. [iconic character]: [subtitle]’ is going to be some silly shit. And I think it’s a truth universally acknowledged that a second-rate comic book company in possession of a few movie licenses must be in want of Marvel’s money. I cannot believe I’m using Jane Austen references. How the fuck hammered am I right now? Anyway, if you were expecting a good movie when dragging your sorry ass into a theater to witness this dumpster fire, then oh lord, please. Please.

Let me get my most vitriolic point out of the way: Jesse Eisenberg is a terrible actor. He should be relegated back to the echelon of community theater where he belongs. I’m 100% fine with canon characters getting a makeover and being approached in a different way, so if Snyder et al want Lex Luthor to be a Zuckerberg-meets-Trump-meets-literally-the-Joker type, well, okay. I might not prefer it to Gene Hackman, or to much else, but I can’t fault them for trying something different. What I can fault Jesse Eisenberg for is playing a crazy person the way I would have played a crazy person when I was eleven years old and trying to get laughs out of my mates at acting camp.

Eisenberg’s performance is so grating and distracting that I was pulled out of the world of the film completely, and, trust me, I was only wading to begin with. Every time his tittering, twitching, yet expressionless not-an-actory face came onscreen I wanted to go get more alcohol. Which I did, thank you. I told the guy at the counter; I was like; I said, ‘Hey guy at the counter I need to be drunker for this.’

Says he, ‘Yeah. I feel like this one’s not Affleck’s fault.’

Says I, ‘For once, mirite?

Then  we did this!

But yeah, let’s talk about the film’s strength, which I…[pinches bridge of nose] I can’t believe I…[oof] So, Ben Affleck is actually the strongest performance here. I thought his best work was going to be playing himself in Kevin Smith movies and Good Will Hunting, but he was actually a fairly convincing Bruce Wayne and not a bad Batman. Granted the filmmakers didn’t really give him a lot of room to shine, yeah. Affleck, however…I wouldn’t mind seeing him as Bats again. Sure. Whatever. God damn it, how drunk am I?

The story is like when you’re internet-dating, and you meet someone on Tinder, and their profile makes them seem more-or-less sane and interesting, and their pictures are flattering, and the conversation you have through the app is good, but then you show up at the bar and go up to the counter, marking with passing interest the oversized mason jar full of gerbils sitting on one of the stools, and you wait for your date to show up, so you send a text: Hey, I’m here, I’m at the bar, sorry, I’m habitually early and then you get a reply: Hey!! I’m here too! I’m also at the bar! and then you’re like: Where? I don’t see you. Are we at the same place lol? and then the reply: Lol I’m looking right at you 😉 and then you come to a painfully slow realization as you turn your eyes to the mason jar full of gerbils, half of which have, by now, eaten the other half and are now gyrating in a thick sauce of gerbil guts.

That was one sentence and I’m sorry. I’ve been reading Bolaño.

Anyway, the thing about BvS: DoJ (is that pronounced ‘Beavis dodge’?) is that the premise regarding Superman is really interesting. The best Superman-related things I’ve seen have brought up the questions of how the world relates to Superman, how he can be trusted, what he should do, et cetera. There’s a fair amount of this in the film, which I didn’t expect. I expected them to brush up against that premise and then get to the face-punching. Thus my run-on analogy. Once we were thirty minutes in and the world still didn’t trust Superman, I thought maybe the whole thing could be fairly decent. The whole movie could have been built on this, with Batman, ultimately, saving the world from Superman.

The problem was that the filmmakers, like a bunch of sycophantic amateurs, couldn’t pull away from the trope of [hero] fights [hero] until [actual bad thing] happens and then they join forces. Which could have still worked if they had honed the focus on Batman and Superman. Instead you have the Lois Lane subplot, the Wonder Woman subplot, the Lex Luthor subplot… Christ, was this movie a mess.

Several scenes also had no real place in the movie, and were there, probably, to either pad the running time or to stroke Snyder’s penis. Like Superman running into Kevin Costner’s ghost in Antarctica (or wherever). Or Superman being in Antarctica in the first place. Or Wonder Woman scrolling through pictures of the other soon-to-be Justice Leaguers. And, hey, Hollywood? Guys? I know you’re reading this. Can we go one non-series Batman movie without playing out his whole goddamn origin story? Please? We’re at the point now that Batman is Batman because his parents got shot is about as ubiquitous as Santa Claus gives you presents if you behave.

Everyone saw this comparison coming, but this is DC trying to do The Avengers. Poorly. I don’t even need to write anything here. I’ll just do a John Cage thing, leave some blank space below, and I want you to look at it as if there are words there. And whatever comes to your mind is the argument you would make. It’s magic!

Is he really making a joke about 4’33? We’ve had Jane Austen, Robert Bolaño, and now musical theorist composer John Cage? Who the fuck is this guy? Why am I reading this? What’s going on? Why did I even click on a review for Batman v Superman when I knew it was going to suck anyway? Why did this guy go see it? Did he go see it because he wanted to torture himself? Was he in a mood to write something scathing? Was he bullied in middle school, and therefore takes any chance he can to put himself above something, so he picks on the thing that’s constantly getting picked on by everyone else, thereby also forcing himself to fit in with the other aggressors? Also is he getting real on us right now, in a silly movie review? This isn’t the place for this gritty self-analysis! Stop this! Stop this right now!

Neat, huh? Yeah, we agreed on several points there.

This isn’t my best review because I’m drunk, but the gist of it is, this movie is dog shit, you knew it was going to be dog shit, and if you’re going to put yourself through it you better be as drunk as I was.

[fart sound from mouth]